First Day at Work and Fahim’s 2 Months Update

First day of work!

Can I just say, I am sooooo glad to meet my colleagues at work again today. It felt like I had never left for those three months maternity leave. It was still the same lively, fun place to be among like-minded colleagues all chasing their dreams – literally.

I did not cry sending Fahim to nursery today. Throughout work, my mind was on the next challenge to tackle, but Fahim is always at the back of my mind. I wondered what he is doing. Is he napping well? Feeding well? Is he smiling to his carers and babbling to his two baby friends?

Some of my colleagues asked me – was I not sad sending Fahim to daycare? And my answer was, no. Not really. I miss him. Of course I do. And I couldn’t wait to come back home and hug and cuddle him. I love going to work again, and don’t resent it. And I don’t have mommy guilt, not when I’m pumping at work, doing my best to ensure he has breast milk to drink in nursery.

To be honest, I think there’s this kind of expectation that when you have a baby, life revolves all around them. Moms are supposed to feel sad and ‘guilty’ for going to work and leaving their kids to be cared for by someone else. Moms are supposed to love motherhood, so much that they’re willing to give up everything else.

There are definitely those kinds of mothers. And I salute them, because being a mom is hard work. But I also know of other moms, like me and the moms I know at work. Those who love their kids a lot, and spend a lot of quality time with them, after work and during weekends. But also who loves to work and have a life separate from their kids, who will eventually grow up and have separate lives from them as well.

I know one difference is this. Before this, during maternity leave, I’d nurse my son and let him sleep in my arms while watching TV, or checking my phone. But now, not being around him 24/7 anymore, I’m content to just watch his face as I nurse, and to just sit in silence as he sleeps on my chest. Because I don’t see him all the time anymore. So what time I do have with him, I love and cherish. I want to be a mom that loves her son and all the moments together. I want to be as far away as possible from being a mom who just wishes he’d grow up faster so I can start sleeping through the night again. Because I know what being that kind of mom feels like. Next thing you know, years have gone by. Or in my case, eight weeks.

I’m glad to be back at work. And I’m going to do my best to be a much better mother now that I miss him and look forward to see him after work everyday. Fahim, ummi loves you, and your smiles, and your coos, and when you cry, and when you snuggle next to me at night, and when you scream, and when I can’t shower because you can’t be put down or held by your walid.

I thank Allah SWT for this gift of motherhood, with all its joys and stresses and added responsibility and sacrifice.

Fahim turned 5 months old on Monday. He now weighs 4.3kg and is ____cm long. He babbles and coos more now, and pretty much always gives me these big smiles when I turn on the lights in the morning. He recognises his ummi and seems to have moments when he doesn’t want his walid to rock him to sleep. My favourite thing about him is when he makes all sorts of sounds, even when left alone.

He is definitely more active. When I talk to him, he’d move his arms and legs and make faces like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about (😅). I once stuck my tongue out at him repeatedly, and he immediately did the same to me, which made me laugh.

Here’s to a new routine to establish at home. Like my husband said. Back to the old routine. Plus one.

Maibreakstheice is a blog where I like to tackle life questions through my personal experiences and, where applicable, through my knowledge as a graduate in family counselling. Keep your eye out for updates every Tuesday, or subscribe via email to receive updates straight to your mailbox!

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